The Immutable Laws of Marriage

When I was in high school physics, I learned that there were some immutable laws that governed the physical world. For some reason, I can remember Newton’s Laws as the following (and I’m definitely paraphrasing):

Newton’s First Law: An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion.
Newton’s Second Law: The acceleration of an object is dependent upon two variables – the force acting upon it and its mass.
Newton’s Third Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Every year, these laws of physics help thousands of high school physics students “discover” that when you roll a steel ball down a ramp, it moves unless you stop it. In addition, if I remember my high school physics correctly, there were other experiments that showed you what happened when things crashed into each other. And I vaguely recollect seeing a short educational film about pushing each other on a frozen pond.

While providing interesting experiments in the workings of the physical world, Newton’s Laws don’t really prepare us much for real life. Instinctively, we pretty much know that something is going to stay put unless you move it, and that something moves faster or slower depending on how much effort you put into it.

Well, have no fear. You’ve come to the right place for useful, real world info. I’ve been married for almost 20 years now, and I’ve learned a few of the Immutable Laws of Marriage. These laws have been proven time again, not only in my marriage but in the marriages of many of my friends. So, without further ado, here they are:

The Law of Free Space

Just as in physics I learned that nature abhors a vacuum, in marriage I’ve learned the Law of Free Space. This Law can be expressed as: wives, pets, and children abhor any free space you may have carved yourself out on your bed.

I have a king-size bed, and every morning I wake perched precariously on the very edge. My wife is jammed against my side, both children are laying across us, and the dog’s butt is in my face. This little nook on the edge of the bed is now formed into the shape of my body. I’m thinking about using it to make a life-size gelatin mold of my back.

The Law of Background Noise

This law concerns the amount of noise generated in a household by your children. Stated simply: If you’re doing something that requires some relative degree of silence, your children will be at their noisiest.

This law is especially easy to observe when you are trying to “work” at home, and are participating on a conference call. The higher the relative importance of the other participants on the call, the more likely your son is to shout, “Daddy, I pooped and I need you to wipe me.”

The Law of Absolute Silence

Closely related to the Law of Background Noise, the Law of Absolute Silence concerns those troubling quiets that sometimes afflict a household. Basically, this Law says that the amount of mischief is inversely proportional to the amount of noise. As a parent, you should never worry about the noise. You must fear the silence.

Recently, I personally evidenced this law in action. I was working in my office and I sensed that something was wrong, but couldn’t put my finger on it. Then, it hit me – it was too quiet. I raced downstairs but it was too late. My son had covered himself from head to toe with magic marker. When asked why he did it, my son said, “I don’t know.”

The Law of Memorization

In marriages, sometimes it’s the little things that matter. The Law of Memorization states that a man’s personal happiness is directly tied to their ability to memorize important dates. Dates like your wedding anniversary, your wife’s birthday, Mother’s Day, etc.

Unfortunately, most men are simply incapable of remembering these dates because their brains are filled with lines from movies and sports trivia. I think I have this one licked though – my anniversary is engraved in my wedding band now.

In my 19+ years of marriage, I have indeed learned many useful Laws that govern successful relationships. Now if I can only discover the secret to getting my son to eat vegetables.

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